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Written by guest blogger Kaprena Moore  Before I share a few thoughts I’ve been mulling over recently, I want you to look at the picture I have included. Notice anything (besides how cute my hubby is)? Please look at the size of each bite of cake we are holding. There is quite a size difference, if you can’t tell. I wish my face were visible in the photo because I bet it would reveal the panic I felt as I wondered how I would fit that huge piece in my mouth gracefully. It was easily triple the size of what I scooped for him, so on the flip side, my cake offering probably looked measly in his eyes. I am sure, however, we were both just serving each other the quantity of delicious wedding cake that we would have served ourselves. I’ll come back to this. My husband and I have been married for a whopping 3 years next month. Though that last phrase is meant sarcastically, 3 years has been long enough for me to realize what I never understood before marriage, despite the countless hours spent studying relationship dynamics during my undergrad: Becoming “a good lover” is difficult. I am not referring to physical intimacy here, though it definitely has its essential place in this conversation. I am referring to the fact that when we marry, we become (or at least intend to become) our significant other’s single greatest source of love. That’s a huge responsibility to take on! And lets be honest, we don’t always nail it! I know I sure didn’t when I first married. This is because of one simple truth: The most intuitive way for us to show love is in the way we like to receive love. So, if you didn’t marry a carbon-copy of yourself, should it be surprising that you don’t always feel like your love needs are being met? Or maybe that your efforts to love your spouse are sometimes answered flatly? A few dramatic examples: Maybe a well-meaning husband thinks to himself “I know she’s had a hard day at work. I’m gonna straighten up and then take a walk so when she gets home she can rest and decompress in a clean and quiet house.” Maybe she would love that! Or maybe she would be sad to come home and find her best friend gone when she really wanted to talk through her feelings and was anxiously awaiting her homecoming greeting. Love was intended, but not received. Or, say, as a deliberate show of love, a woman wants to surprise her husband, who has been away on business, with a new tool he’s been wanting. However, when he arrives he shows way more interest in making love than stopping to appreciate her offering of love on display on the counter. She might feel annoyed or offended that he doesn’t show much gratitude for such a thoughtful gesture ….and now the resulting tension has made them both feel slightly disconnected. Ok, so most of us know our spouses better than these two examples, but they illustrate my point. Much more common is the scenario where each party is showing love and receiving love, but much less efficiently than they could. Anyone familiar with The 5 Love Languages (Chapman, 2017) knows that we all feel love in all 5 ways. However, you can get much more bang for our buck by showing love in the areas your partner score highest in. What a shame it would be to expend massive amounts of energy in acts of love only to have it yield a less-than-satisfying result in our lover. We have to become experts in the ways our spouses most want to be loved in order to fill their emotional needs. What is it they like? Cuddling after work? A thoughtful, unexpected gift? Help with chores without having to nag? Sex they didn’t have to initiate? A daily “reconnection conversation” after work? When it comes to loving them, forget your own preferences… and if you married a winner this will turn into a two way street! In his marriage enrichment course called LINKS, popular author and marriage counselor Dr. John Van Epp persuades us that an essential step in learning to do this is to sit down and S.P.E.L.L. it out for our lovers. He calls these “Huddle Sessions”. You can schedule these sessions as frequently as needed, however, once a month is the standard recommendation for new “huddlers”. From personal experience I can assure you that having a successful huddle is an acquired skill. Don’t get discouraged if your first few are a little choppy. The four steps to a huddle are:1- An honest review of your progress on the previous huddle’s established goals. 2- Express gratitude for your partner as a person and the efforts they’ve made to improve areas addressed in the previous huddle. 3- Discuss what additional love needs you both have that you would like to work on meeting as a couple. Set new goals. This MUST be done without placing blame. You should “own your needs” and request rather than demand any action from your partner. 4- Make a detailed plan to accomplish your new goals. Make a formal commitment to each other to work hard to achieve them (Epp, 2007). My friends, wouldn’t it be so nice to be told exactly how our spouses would like us to love them? I believe from time to time we have all looked at our spouse and felt at least a small sense of longing. Longing for more connection, more love, or better love. Not because we think they aren’t trying. We KNOW they are, and SO ARE WE!..... But we are not mind readers, and people grow, develop and change. I promised I would come back to the cake. There we were, a married couple with less than 48 hours under our belts, not knowing what we were in for, and desperately in love! It was a funny moment when the similarities between the serving size discrepancy and our attempts to express love to each other, occurred to me. However, it has served as a reminder that I constantly need to be revamping my efforts to love my wonderful husband in the way he wants and deserves to be loved. It really is important not just that we love our lovers, but how we love our lovers! And as we keep trying to serve that perfectly portioned bite of cake to our spouses the love just gets sweeter and sweeter! REFERNCES
Chapman, Gary D., and Jocelyn Green. The 5 Love Languages: the Secret to Love That Lasts. Northfield Publishing, 2017. Epp, John Van. How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk: the Foolproof Way to Follow Your Heart without Losing Your Mind. McGraw-Hill, 2007.
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By Aimee  LIE #1: People should be able to fix their own problems.
No one is perfect. It’s okay to seek help. When you have a broken foot you go see a doctor. When you have an addiction or a broken relationship you go see a counselor. LIE #2: It’s nobody's business! The unhealthy habits or relationships one has will affect all aspects of life and in turn touch the lives of everyone around that individual. LIE #3: Counseling is expensive Everything good in life requires investment. Strengthening an individual and their relationship requires not only the sacrifice of self, but of monetary means as well. A professional with an advanced degree needs to be able to sustain themselves so they can help others. This can be seen with any other profession; a lawyer trying to fight your legal battles, a surgeon cutting away your cancer, a nurse delivering your baby, a firefighter putting out flames, the pharmacists who prescribe medication…Familial relations should not be measured by monetary means:
Is counseling normal? → YES Do people counsel as often as they should? → NO
Counseling bridges relationships Most people have a canyon of problems separating them from being where they want to be in a relationship. Counseling makes your happily ever after a reality by creating bridges through healthy attachments that create:
Natural disasters or “common colds” throughout life may require maintenance (meaning follow-up or continuous counseling) and that is okay→ it ensures the safety and security of a relationship. Counseling cuts the elastic of the human sling of addiction Sometimes we think we can knock out the addiction ourselves by running into it full throttle (cold turkey) → this causes us to push further into the elastic of the addiction until we bounce back to the dark abyss where we came from or further back than before. Other times we push little by little against the elastic of addiction, not fully addressing the problem for face value. Counseling addresses the issue full on and helps the individual either cut through the addiction or move past the issue to get to the side where they need to be. Think you need counseling? It’s okay if you need help. You are not alone. There are people available to help you who want to help you. If you or a friend might be in an abusive relationship, talk to an adult or parent you can trust, a school counselor, or a local domestic or sexual violence program. Hotline numbers: You cannot afford counseling and/or do not know any local counseling available dial 211. If someone is in immediate danger, call 911. National Dating Abuse Helpline 1-866-331-9474 or www.loveisrespect.org to chat online National Suicide Hotline 1-800-272-TALK (8255) National Sexual Assault Hotline 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) or www.rainn.org to chat online |
People need people.
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