Millennial Marriage
I deeply appreciate how my husband dated and courted me before we were married. He always called to ask me out, never texted (even when we were more official!) He always treated me like a lady, and our dates were always planned, paid for and paired off. If there was an exception to this, I cannot think of it now. Dating in courtship and dating in marriage a little bit different (you don't end up saying goodbye for the evening when you are married) but both have the same goals: find ways to show your special someone you love them and enhance your happiness as you keep your married love alive. To support that, I decided that this weeks blog post would include some ideas that my husband and I do to keep romance alive in our marriage! 1. Have a weekly planned date night. My husband and I decided right from the get-go of our marriage that Friday night was our date night, no matter what! Whether it is a stay at home, eat popcorn movie night, or dinner for two, we plan every week to get to spend some uninterrupted time together doing something we enjoy. Sometimes we spend money, sometimes we don't, sometimes it is an all evening event, sometimes it is just an hour, but either way we get to be together. We are not so practiced on asking each other out like we were when we were dating (and because it is a "goes without saying" point that Friday is date night), but my husband will often surprise me by asking me out earlier in the week to go do a specific activity for our date night. It keeps things fresh and fun when he does this. It doesn't have to be just the husband who initiates either, but the wife can too! (I need to do better at asking him out too!) 2. Make it a point to have pillow talk. Sometimes the day is so crazy and busy we hardly get time to see each other, much less talk. To make up for the lack of time spent, at night we make sure we take some time laying in bed and talking (often cuddling too!) It is so great to reconnect after being apart and is a reassurance to the both of us that we love each other and care about what the other person is doing in life. 3. Leave I-love-you notes. One of my favorite things that my husband does is randomly leave a sticky note with an "I love you!" or other various things in places I will for sure see it. Once I was sent on a sticky note treasure hunt around the apartment to tell me he would be on his way home soon and to be prepared for a fun night. It isn't a big to do, and it really doesn't take much time to just leave a note, but it can really leave a smile for the surprised spouse! I find it fun to leave notes in my husbands backpack or books where he will find them much later, and be even more surprised! It doesn't have to be a glamorous card, it can be as small - like a sticky note. 4. Find out the things that your spouse feels loved by, and do them. Our apartment is teeny tiny (it is about 400 square feet), and we have filled it to the brim with just stuff to live life with. Being students we are always so busy too, and often our house gets really cluttered and messy. For me, I am not usually too bothered by it, but wow I know it bothers Mark! I have found that one of the best ways I can show my love for Mark is simply taking a moment to clean up before he comes home at the end of the day. He can come home and keep doing homework without getting stressed by all of the clutter lying around. It doesn't hurt to really look at this idea as simply serving your spouse.
5. Have new experiences and learn together. A way to continue the love and the romance is by continually improving together as a couple. Keep things fresh and exciting by seeking ways to experience new things that supply more substance to the sometimes mundane conversations of day to day life. Some fun ones that we have done is to go to art museums, jazz concerts, or other cultural activities that provide us with new things to talk about. One favorite that we have done doesn't even require you to leave your couch! Reading! Books seem to be getting out of date of late, but they still provide an experience! We decided that there were some authors we both wanted to read the works of, and so we got some books and began reading for a while before going to bed at night. It has been such a fun thing to do as it really gives us even more things to talk and philosophize about. The point is to provide learning experiences so that you and your spouse can continue to grow together - intelligence is really an attractive quality! 6. Finally, be affectionate! Remember once upon a time you were newly weds and would drive everyone crazy with the PDA? Well, what is wrong with doing that again? Holding hands in public is still acceptable whether you are just married or you are fifty years in the making (honestly the older you are the cuter it is!) Being affectionate isn't just for the public eye either. It is much more important and meaningful to be affectionate at home. Though we aren't perfect at it, Mark and I have tried hard to always leave the house with a hug and a kiss and greet each other with a hug and a kiss when we come home. This is especially important when you have kids at home; yes, I am sure they will complain (I did when I was a kid!) but what a great thing for them to see that mom and dad love each other. Plus being affectionate with each other through out the day keeps things burning for the evening! ;) In closing, I hope that you can see that there are just simple things that can keep the fire in your relationship burning and alive. It is much easier to work on it day by day instead of trying to fix it later on in life when the coals have grown cold. So do the little things and create a happier marriage today!
1 Comment
I realize my title may bother many people for various reasons, one of them may be the fact that I mentioned feminism and marriage all within the same sentence, while the other may be that I also used the word equality. Now that I have probably significantly offended many, I will now continue on to support my point of what I am going to say. For the sake of clarity, I want to explain what I mean by the world feminism. There are two types of feminism (depending on where you look, some sources break them down even more), there is liberal feminism and radical feminism. To briefly define these, it is important to understand that liberal feminism is equality in opportunities, while celebrating gender differences; radical feminism is equality in opportunities, while claiming men and women are the same (essentially getting rid of any and all gender differences). I place myself on this scale very much at the end of liberal feminism. I believe that both men and women should have equal rights, but I believe that gender differences are real, should be celebrated and respected, and are important to happy and healthy families. That being said, let's talk about how BOTH aspects of feminism impact equality in marriage, for good or for bad. For most, if not all of human history woman have often found themselves subordinate to men, living in male dominated/powered societies. This began to change for the Western world beginning around the 1960's in the United States. It was during this time that the woman's movement began to take hold as women across the country began rallying for the right to vote and to have a voice. Since this time many incredible things have come in its wake for women. For example, women can get a quality education, vote, hold great jobs, wear pants, be an astronaut, fly planes, become president (this is not a presidential endorsement in the slightest, I am just acknowledging the possibility is there), you name it and a woman can pretty much do it!
Because of the women's rights movement and the increasing education of so many women, the role of women in marriage has been changing as well. "As women became better educated, they were less willing to accept subordinated positions in their marital relationships" (Hudson & Miller, 2012, p. 42). As the view of women changed, so did the marital relationship, "Hence, women became less tolerant of male-dominated relationships, and they had the financial resources to leave relationships that were oppressive" (Hudson & Miller, 2012, p. 42). More and more were marriages becoming increasingly viewed as a partnership, not a dictatorship. And although there are some who will continue to view marriage as women's oppression, the efforts of feminism actually helped bring about great equality in marriages! What a great thing to bring about! An equal partnership in marriage is by far the most beneficial type of marriage to have for both spouses and for children. In fact, in some research I have read, equal partnership's: a) are better for the well being of individual spouses, b) are happier in their relationship, c) have better functioning children because they are generally better parents. It even improves sexual intimacy as one spouse is not domineering over the other (power struggles make physical intimacy less enjoyable for the person being dominated over). Spouses feel that their voice can be heard which encourages a deeper intimate relationship (on all levels), and decreases negative interactions allowing for positive sentiment override to be present! (You can refer to my previous post for more information on that if you would like!) It is important to note that equality here means that both partners have an equal say and are equally represented in the relationship. To have an equal say, "spouses continue to discuss the issue and negotiate until they agree on a decision. They both have the veto power, meaning that both have to agree on the decision" (Hudson & Miller, 2012, p. 44). The husband doesn't rule the wife, nor does the wife rule the husband; they are on the same team, and they work as one. Though there are some negative outcomes from feminism, in my opinion, there are also incredibly good ones too. The greatest impact of feminism is actually a very positive one! Feminism has done much in bringing about this change of view in marital equality that greatly benefits the family unit as a whole. No matter where your relationship is now, equality can be achieved and should be sought after. The marriage you create will bring not only your own happiness, but the happiness of your spouse and your family. (For partnership equality analysis, select the "read more" button to continue on to find a questionnaire from the book Successful Marriages and Families). Works Cited: Hudson, V. M., & Miller, R. B., (2012). Equal Partnership between Men and Women In Families. In Hawkins, A. J., Dollahite, D. C., Draper, T. W., (Eds.), Successful Marriages and Families (38-44). United States of America: Brigham Young University. Opening picture Cred: http://egomoral.com/feminism-and-age-of-consent-laws-in-modern-culture/ |
People need people.
|