Millennial Marriage
There are some different methods of parenting styles, and many of us have heard of them: authoritative, authoritarian, and permissive. You could also add neglectful as a parenting style as well unfortunately. Anyways, I always felt that those were kind of obscure titles and didn't really help me understand HOW to be a good parent, it just seemed to label parents. But what I am going to share with you, wow, this, this to me is really helpful for HOW to be a good parent - an involved, active, loving, raising-healthy-children kind of parent. It is called, the Parenting Pyramid! (For visual help if my model is ineffective, think the Food Pyramid - hopefully that helps...) At the top we have correction...
If correcting and teaching are not working on helping our child's behavior, then we need to look a layer deeper on our parenting pyramid. Perhaps there is something amiss with our relationship with our child? Children are not ours. They are entrusted to us from God, and we are stewards. In reality they are our spiritual brothers and sisters, we are not superior and they are not our inferiors. They deserve respect and kindness if we are to expect that ourselves. No, it isn't always going be perfect, sometimes children will be disrespectful, but aren't adults that way to? Oft times correcting a behavior can come from simply becoming better friends with our children. No I don't mean become a permissive parent (being best friends and allowing our children to walk all over us), I simply mean to build a relationship of trust with our children, this so they see us as "allies to confide in, not police to run from" (Brother Rareick). So what if a focus on your relationship with your child isn't working? Well, how is the relationship with your spouse?
I've heard many times, the greatest thing a father can do for his children is love their mother. Strong families come from strong marriages. In this world of turmoil and confusion, we need to be not only living in the same house or sleeping in the same bed with our spouse, but we need to be a team when it comes to parenting. We can't have a "good" parent and a "bad" parent, we can't communicate solely with our spouse through our children, we can't treat our spouse poorly and expect our children to treat each other nicely. Children are incredibly perceptive, not only can they sense that you are being insincere with them, but they can also sense when you are your spouse are being insincere with each other. Sometimes bettering your relationship with your spouse can improve everything above this layer on the parenting pyramid. Finally, if things with your spouse aren't quite working - do some introspection and humble praying, and ask "What is my personal way of being? What do I need to fix?" This is the hardest part. Most of us don't want to admit that there is something that we are doing wrong. But isn't this life a time to become like Christ? Aren't we striving to become like God? Heavenly Father is the perfect parent, and there is so much we can learn from Him. If we really want to raise emotionally healthy, productive and contributing adults, and if we truly want to become like Him, we need to change ourselves. Then everything else in the pyramid will work itself out. Sure things are going to be perfect. In fact, they may be painful and excruciating, but guess what? We will have peace because our personal way of being is in alignment with God. Well, that is my schpill.... What are your thoughts? Do you agree? Disagree? Why?
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I hope that many of you have heard of forgiveness, but perhaps not many of you have heard of forgoing. Forgoing, is like the step before forgiveness, it is choosing to not even be offended/bothered/angry/upset in the first place so that there is nothing to forgive afterward. It turns out that having both elements in marriage greatly increase marital satisfaction, and will help you and your spouse come closer together. In fact, I would go so far to say that developing the ability to forgive and forgo is probably the most important quality to have that will greatly decrease the contention and arguments that many married couples experience. To illustrate, I'll share a story from my own experience.
A few Saturdays ago, my husband and I got to play basketball for the first time in MONTHS! Basketball is kind of our thing (we even have matching basketball shoes that we wore for our wedding!) But, we haven't played in months because back in August, Mark had hurt his knee and couldn't play on it. What a joy it was to finally break out the shoes and get to the gym to play a little ball! We had a great afternoon of shooting around, rebounding for each other and playing a little one-on-one. Normally, in the past, when we have played one-on-one it usually ends in Mark and I getting extremely competitive and then very upset with each other - frustration and tensions for days. Usually this happens because Mark is stronger than I am, taller than I am and well, better at basketball than I am; he can beat me to the hoop, shoot over my head, and usually wins our games of one-on-one. He doesn't go easy on me, which is good because I hate it if he does, probably even more than I hate losing to a boy - even if it is my spouse! In short it is a catch 22 for Mark; if he let's me win, I will be upset at him. If he wins, I will be upset at him. It often ruins the rest of the day too, as he will get upset back and me and it will take some time for us both to calm down and to be reasonable again and be willing to forgive. Yet we still play one-on-one basketball against each other...yeah... figure that mystery out. Anyways, it just so happened that this same week, I had read this quote and some addition information as to the importance of forgiving and foregoing in a marriage. It must have been in my subconscious somewhere, because as we started playing one-on-one, I mentioned offhandedly to Mark that I wasn't going to get upset this time, and that I just wanted to enjoy playing with him. A little thing to say, a monstrosity of a thing to do. But I did it! Actually after making the decision to not get upset with him (forgoing the offense which hadn't even occurred yet), it hardly crossed my mind to do it. Instead, we had a great game of one-on-one. I don't even remember who won! It even turned into a mini basketball lesson too as Mark was able to show me some pointers to improve my shot; and because I wasn't upset with him over the one-on-one game, I was open and willing to take his suggestions. We had such a good time! It was a complete 180 degrees from what the end of our basketball sessions usually look like. It gets better too because our enjoyable afternoon turned into an enjoyable and relaxing evening! Which then turned into an enjoyable and relaxing Sunday; that even rolled along into the Monday. Literally our entire weekend was effected because of the simple choice made to forgo being offended and upset. This was just one instance that worked for Mark and I, and since becoming conscious of this, it has worked in many more. I know it can work for you too! Choosing to forgo offense, and forgive when it has happened will have a lifting effect on your marriage. Conversations over hard things become easier to deal with when even just one of you are choosing to forgo. The aftermath of a disagreement will be more positive if you and your spouse are willing to forgive. Even a silly situation like a one-on-one basketball game can be improved because of forgoing and forgiving. You will only know for sure if you give it a try! |
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