Millennial Marriage
I hope that many of you have heard of forgiveness, but perhaps not many of you have heard of forgoing. Forgoing, is like the step before forgiveness, it is choosing to not even be offended/bothered/angry/upset in the first place so that there is nothing to forgive afterward. It turns out that having both elements in marriage greatly increase marital satisfaction, and will help you and your spouse come closer together. In fact, I would go so far to say that developing the ability to forgive and forgo is probably the most important quality to have that will greatly decrease the contention and arguments that many married couples experience. To illustrate, I'll share a story from my own experience.
A few Saturdays ago, my husband and I got to play basketball for the first time in MONTHS! Basketball is kind of our thing (we even have matching basketball shoes that we wore for our wedding!) But, we haven't played in months because back in August, Mark had hurt his knee and couldn't play on it. What a joy it was to finally break out the shoes and get to the gym to play a little ball! We had a great afternoon of shooting around, rebounding for each other and playing a little one-on-one. Normally, in the past, when we have played one-on-one it usually ends in Mark and I getting extremely competitive and then very upset with each other - frustration and tensions for days. Usually this happens because Mark is stronger than I am, taller than I am and well, better at basketball than I am; he can beat me to the hoop, shoot over my head, and usually wins our games of one-on-one. He doesn't go easy on me, which is good because I hate it if he does, probably even more than I hate losing to a boy - even if it is my spouse! In short it is a catch 22 for Mark; if he let's me win, I will be upset at him. If he wins, I will be upset at him. It often ruins the rest of the day too, as he will get upset back and me and it will take some time for us both to calm down and to be reasonable again and be willing to forgive. Yet we still play one-on-one basketball against each other...yeah... figure that mystery out. Anyways, it just so happened that this same week, I had read this quote and some addition information as to the importance of forgiving and foregoing in a marriage. It must have been in my subconscious somewhere, because as we started playing one-on-one, I mentioned offhandedly to Mark that I wasn't going to get upset this time, and that I just wanted to enjoy playing with him. A little thing to say, a monstrosity of a thing to do. But I did it! Actually after making the decision to not get upset with him (forgoing the offense which hadn't even occurred yet), it hardly crossed my mind to do it. Instead, we had a great game of one-on-one. I don't even remember who won! It even turned into a mini basketball lesson too as Mark was able to show me some pointers to improve my shot; and because I wasn't upset with him over the one-on-one game, I was open and willing to take his suggestions. We had such a good time! It was a complete 180 degrees from what the end of our basketball sessions usually look like. It gets better too because our enjoyable afternoon turned into an enjoyable and relaxing evening! Which then turned into an enjoyable and relaxing Sunday; that even rolled along into the Monday. Literally our entire weekend was effected because of the simple choice made to forgo being offended and upset. This was just one instance that worked for Mark and I, and since becoming conscious of this, it has worked in many more. I know it can work for you too! Choosing to forgo offense, and forgive when it has happened will have a lifting effect on your marriage. Conversations over hard things become easier to deal with when even just one of you are choosing to forgo. The aftermath of a disagreement will be more positive if you and your spouse are willing to forgive. Even a silly situation like a one-on-one basketball game can be improved because of forgoing and forgiving. You will only know for sure if you give it a try!
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